(UPDATE: See Note Below)
To our British Cousins, friends, relatives, and allies.
Greetings from the United States of America. Pay no attention to that shabby, self-important man behind the curtain and his ridiculous cabinet we mistakenly elected.
My wife and I would like to offer you and all the British people our humblest apology for the shabby, disgraceful way your Prime Minister was treated by the United States Government during his recent visit. We hang our heads in shame. This arrogant, elitist idiot savant that we currently (unfortunately) have as “our” President is either totally ignorant (can’t be, the White House Protocol Office knows better than to do something like this), or is, as we think, so impressed with himself that he feels it’s his right to snub our oldest, most loyal, and longest serving ally, while his State Department lap dogs cuddle up to some of our worst enemies.
We are so, so very sorry. Thank you for the wonderful gifts to the American People. This much we know… for many years, Britain has been our main , our most resolute, our staunchest ally… Their prime minister was the first person here to support us after the attack on 9/11….Tony Blair, whatever you may think of his politics…. was here immediately to support us. Britain stood beside us throughout the Cold War; Australia stood beside through Vietnam. Canada partnered with us to build the DEW line to watch for Russian missiles. America stood beside you through two World Wars, just as Britain stood beside us through our own Civil War.
We admire and emulate your British reserve, your sophistication, the famous ‘Stiff upper lip” of British resolve. You admire our American West; our cowboys, our mountain men; our sheer determination and inventiveness of a people who refuse to bow to any obstacle.
We’re sorry we’ve elected a small, venal, thin-skinned child as our President who holds Britain responsible for his grandfather’s treatment during the Mau-Mau uprising in Kenya. We’re profoundly sorry of the way he treated Mr. Brown; truly we are.
We’ll rectify that in a 2012. We promise. Until then, remember your American cousins in our time of torment.
And consider it a down payment for sending us Benny Hill.
The phone number to the British Embassy in Washington is: 202-588-6500.
(UPDATE: My apologies to the R.A.T. Pack e-mail group. In posting this morning — after a midnight shift — I was a bit punchy and posted this without the final update, which read like this:)
“This is not all my own work. This originally made the rounds as part of my e-mail group, and is the work, revision, and sweat of several people besides myself; many of whom are better looking and/or better writers than I. Thanks for their contributions, of course.”