Via Caffeinated Thoughts ; this made me laugh out loud at work so hard I almost peed myself.
Your mileage may vary, of course:
My co-worker Mary emailed the following church bulletin/pulpit announcements to me (this has been making the rounds), and they were too funny not to share. For the record, my position on church bulletins, less is more, so I prefer announcements to be kept to a minimum. Presenting evidence for my position are announcements that have been placed in church bulletins and/or announced from the pulpit (not big on announcements during worship services either).
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.”
- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
- Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
- Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – Prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
- The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday, ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!
I don’t think I’ll ever get that mental picture of those naked old women wandering around the church basement on Friday afternoons. (Ouch. Ouch.)